and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
