I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize