Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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