Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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