There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
