Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
