Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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