I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Vodka?
Forever.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
