how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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