I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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