I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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