saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
