I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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