So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
