My hair reeks of homosexuality.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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