did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
