if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
