i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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