Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
