I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
