Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
