He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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