My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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