How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
