I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
