I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
