Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
