I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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