38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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