was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
