You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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