peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
