i jhust puked up my retainher.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
