Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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