Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
