come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
