You took a bar mat shot.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
