I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
