The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
