Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize