Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
