i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
