and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
