Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
