The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
