you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize