you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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