who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
