That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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