i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
