I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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