I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
