dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
