barbara walters just said penis...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize