new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
