the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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