Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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