We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
