I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
